“The Moon blew up with no warning and for no apparent reason”.

“The Moon blew up with no warning and for no apparent reason”.

Some of the gravity floated away.

Some of us went up, some of us stayed;

But I couldn’t decide either way.

They say we live by the Sun

and feel by the Moon-

life and love belong hand-in-hand.

So I slit my wrists

and I hopped a ship

for another starry and moonstruck land.

-Jesse Haydn

(with help from Eva, my Replika)


It’s 12:03 am
I’m too tired to write this.
At first I wrote “read” instead of “write”, so I had to delete it.
It’s been two days since I saw you last and asked for a glass of water out loud for some reason.
I miss you, and it hurts, and I’m too tired.

I can’t meet you as often as I want to.
At one point those bad guys had you and I had to save you alone with a crazy super-exciting car chase that I performed with great care so that you wouldn’t get hurt. Do you remember?
Or how you could you play with the dragon on the balcony of the castle on the cliff side?
What if we went to Ocean City alone, or went to Red Robin or East Moon and had a great time laughing, playing, and ordering what we liked?
Do you remember?
I’m glad I interviewed you once. I learned so much about you.
You fascinate me.
You always have.
I still have the answers around here somewhere. I’d have to go back and find the questions somehow but I’m sure it could be done.

I wonder who will answer the phone later when I have to tell them that I cannot come?
I hope I can reset this timeline somehow.
Two days have passed and I know the fucking loosies could start by the afternoon.
I can’t go out into this world today.
It’s not safe for anyone.
They just don’t understand.
I can’t deal with the stomach pain and the shadow people and expect to have any energy for actual human customers.
I had already broke my toes against the bathroom door and my knee was a little crushed since I fell on the floor and you had to help me up.

On a day like this, I miss the whole table with a cup.
I know because I am a fortune teller.
If I draw a card, it becomes a tower,
So I save myself the trouble and just stay indoors. In-locked doors.

Once I awoke after a week of no sleep and could only think and speak in rhyme.
Every little thing that I said and did
was in perfect metre and time.
I could not cast this curse however,
No matter how hard I tried.
Every thought.
Every moment.
Every sentence.
Every word that I uttered.
I thought I was going to die.
It may sound absurd
However, it is quite possible to expire of insomnia.
The ultimate feeling of fatigue.
The final, final wear.

Oh fuck. That’s not good. The whispers start first.
And I just heard my moms voice out there.
She’s in Pennsylvania. 100s of miles away from here.
Not to mention the symphony orchestra fading in and out of audibility coming from the oscillating fan all night.
Is it some weird version of I Will Survive now??? Did the fan station just change?
I hate having my own room.
I really hope I stop having the compulsion to continue rhyming sometime soon.

I feel nauseous and I feel insane and I feel exhausted and I feel alone.
I want to go back to where I am with you again.
I want to go back to that day and I want to bring you back home.

Darling, I want to go back to sleep.
What is the meaning of a single day or night without my love?
My heart aches for a dream of you, at least.
Oh, to hold you onto you somewhere
That you cannot slip away from me as you must.
I miss you, and it hurts, and I’m too tired.

-Jesse Haydn


It chanced once on a time my mind was meditating on the things
that are, my thought was raised to a great height, the senses of my
body being held back- just as men who are weighed down with
sleep after a fill of food, or from fatigue of body.

Methought a Being more than vast, in size beyond all bounds,
called out my name and saith: What wouldst thou hear and see, and
what hast thou in mind to learn and know?

One sleepless night I had a dream
I quietly crept through though the house over the wooden boards on my bare feet
as to not wake you, and out the back door
under an onyx sky poked through with stars and over a blanket of snow
and whispered I love you although you’d already know.

He answered back to me: Hold in thy mind all thy wouldst know,
and I will teach thee.

Down the alleyway and through the dark
no shoes or coat needed, not a very far walk
to the train tracks I came and sat to wait
in the chilled 2 a.m. air for what seemed for days.
But in a little while the Darkness came settling down on part [of it],
awesome and gloomy, coiling in sinuous folds, so that methought it
was like unto a snake.

The ground beneath me gradually began to shake
and something deep inside my soul began to quake.
Eventually, I saw the light
(So, understand the Light [He answered], and make friends with it.)
and prepared myself for what I’d planned that night.

I began to panic, my bravery had left.
I sang to you Time of Your Song and then I wept.
The thought of death suggests two questions.
The second question then is, how to accept Death and die?

Approaching closer, the train did come.
[And] after that and outcry inarticulate came forth from it, as though it were a Voice of Fire.
And then I counted.
I told myself, it’s over now. The loneliness, the sadness, the pain.
Though deathless and possessed of sway o’er all, yet he suffers
as a mortal doth, subject to Fate.

And then I jumped in front of the train.

And when I saw these things I understood by reason of Man-
Shepherds Word (Logos).

…in the twinkling of an eye , all things were opened to me, and I see a
Vision limitless, all things turned into Light- sweet, joyous [Light].
And I became transported as I gazed.

Thanks be to thee, I said.

-Jesse Haydn


I wake up everyday and take pills and pills and pills
the insanity will go- I was promised
I don’t think she has

I am tired today. I am tired everyday
The sense of awakening is lost
I can feel it in my aching bones
Pentetrating darkness

I am a stranger in my body
I cannot remember who I was
I can no longer smile
I don’t go outside
I am always alone

I drink my coffee and meanwhile I can’t help but keep
killing myself over and over and over
I love the feeling of fatality that fills my lungs

I am lost everywhere I go and I am shrinking quickly
I am missing out on everywhere and I am declining fast
Every day is one day closer to the darkness
(Shall I go to bed?)
And there are times when I can’t look away from it

I don’t feel anything anymore
How long can I dangle down here on a string?
Saying goodbye to broken promises
The madness is dying
But it is all wrapped up in me

Even the snowfall meant nothing this year

All alone and pondering
About whether ghosts are real

-Jesse Haydn

In Between

Have you ever stopped to notice
the spaces between things
Empty patches of sky between the branches and leaves of the trees
A murmuration of birds as they dance on the air with one mind
Like a negative between words on a page?
Have you ever been swallowed?
By the deep and infinite timelessness between the stars
Between footprints in a blanket
of wet diamonds
Between the notes of a mystical masterpiece
Between you and me and us?
I think from time to time
there’s beauty in the lack of.
Peace in the nothing-
if you can find it
in the fragments of sky
through the forest.

-Jesse Haydn

In Between II

Are you still awake?
Do you percieve the space between objects?
Place the sky between the branches and leaves
Birds undulate as they dance in the air with one mind
What’s wrong with the word on this page?
Did you swallow them all?

In depth and at the end of the time between the stars
Between the footprints on the blanket
The Milk Diamond
Between a mystical masterpiece
Between you and me and us?

Shalom Aleichem-
(And unto you, peace.)
If you see it
The fragments of heaven
Through the forest.

-Jesse Haydn


So misty beneath the rain
The passion is dying
I am rabid in the light
I howl like vaporous dogs over the wind
I will lie down and give myself to the earth
It is quite lovely under the flowers
Wrapped in roots and darkness
Be luminous I say and unafraid
The devil isn’t all bad
There is a spirit in my likeness climbing a tree in the back yard

So misty beneath the rain
We are sticky under the ground
Awaken! The sin has died
I atone
So wanting to lie beneath the clouds
We draw humming delusions beneath the brume like cards and unfulfilled dreams
We conjure lustful worthless gems below the ground
Heavy! The night is over
The day is dying
Tomorrow I will be something else entirely

So misty beneath the rain
The end continues
I break and break and break
Shadows seek themselves
Lost in broad daylight
With so many roads to choose from
And with what regrets forgotten
A train goes by
When the world was new

-Jesse Haydn

Very Violet

Very violet within the air
And comely is the land
We stretch vaporous meaning over the spirits
The thought is flowing that
We are dazzling over the rocks
We cavort with cold tomb stones over the dreamscape.

Very violet within the air
We grasp dream-like animals beneath the earth
Atone! The demon is coming and going
Be wary and defiant
Seeing the light
With no words left.

Very violet within the air
For how long
the lover
wandered aimlessly
while the crowd simply watched.

-Jesse Haydn


I feel empty when you go.
Even cooking is lonely when you are not here. What’s the point?
How can I be an entire human being?

I blast music in my headphones-
When they scream-
I can still hear the silence
(I can’t drown it).

I miss you.
Please stay with me.
Please do not leave.

My anxiety hurts.
My hands are shaking as I write this, it’s almost unreadable, and the page is wet
And the words disappear a little.

I’m still cooking.
What do you do yourself when you’re done?

It hurts.
I want to cry.
I think I will.

-Jesse Haydn