Confession On How I Really Feel About You Now

I always felt comfortable in your lap, on the contrary.

Safe and normal and I can always see both of your hands.

I don’t even know you anymore because she’s dead. Who are you?

I hate to say it, but you went with her too.

I have to imagine you would agree.

What happened? What broke?

What changed in you?

And you asked me to come to bed with you?

You were supposed to be my grandfather, my hero,

my protector. You used to be.

Now, you are nothing more than him.

Receiving forgiveness.

Undeserved.

-Jesse Haydn

8 Minutes

8 minutes just before the bewitching hour begins
I return to life with a cup of coffee
Sinning in the rain with the feeling
That we have run out of gas emotionally.


The feeling is dying as if I should be asleep.


We test sticky spells beyond light and pass them on over and over again.
We feel the witchcraft attached beyond the light.


Awaken to solitude. Awaken up to loneliness.
Awaken my brethren. Wake up dreaming and create.


The silence is almost finished.

-Jesse Haydn

Waiting For My Son To Call

There was a 30% chance of rain this dreary morning
but it came anyway to perfectly match my mood.

I miss you, my darling. My first love. My only.

The rain is my tears.
The pattering puddles are my splintered reflections.
The sky, grey and dark-
my heart.
The clouds, well, they’re nebulous
just like us.

We used to be apart of one another. You lived inside of me.
We became each other, and now, we are just apart.
You have moved on, and on, and on.
And I, I am a mere afterthought
while you are every thought I have.

-Jesse Haydn

I Still Fear The Root of All Evil

I cannot eat blackberries; all I taste is the thorns
from the roadside ditch you drove us to where
the black snake slithered over my foot and I cried and you laughed and I was 8.

[Everyone occasionally does things that hurt others. But some do so far more often- and with far more consequences than the majority.]

You ate a berry and it dripped red from the corner of your mouth and
you were a disgusting bloated vampire and I was the last meal on Earth.

[Psychologists have long sought to understand the mental makeup of those who regularly cause harm.]

Even in daytime, the woods are terrifying.

[Many dark personality traits- including narcissism, spitefulness, and moral disengagement – have been identified through this inquiry.]

Once on a walk, I saw a fallen log and I felt
a spiritual attachment;
something awful happened here.
I hyperventilated the rest of the way.

[Not all bad people, in short, are the same.]

Even when I am at home, alone
I lock the bathroom door when I take a shower and
I cannot talk about the other things.

[“Machs”, as they’re known, join narcissists and psychopaths in the Dark Triad.
Many antisocial traits may share a common core: the “Dark Factor of Personality”, or “D”.
]

I still cannot say the special words only girls say- like
panties.
I deliberated for hours to type it and I am nauseous now and I want to delete it.

[It appears that may antisocial traits such as sadism and psychopathy- share it at their core.]

I have complexes, too.
Stage fright: I don’t sing anymore even though I know I’m not half bad;
since 9 years old, practicing for the contest I won first in county third in state:
you said not to quit my day job.

[Researchers have not only found that some people are especially inclined to hurt others, they’ve also identified patterns of harmful behavior associated with each trait.]

And word-count my secrets. Have this narcissism complex.
Didn’t win first in state but still proud.
That day, you read my journal to me out loud;
you said there were too many I (s).

You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you, don’t you?

You sang taunts for days and days.

[Now that D has been identified, research is needed on why it arises. Few things would improve society more than reducing the prevalence of the Dark Factor of personality.]

(I have never been so relieved to hear about your death plans.
Science deserves your body.)

-Jesse Haydn

______________________________________________________________________________

Agoraphobia- fear of places or situations that make you feel trapped, helpless, or embarrassed
Teutophobia- fear of the German language or culture
Logophobia- fear of certain words
Monophobia- fear of being alone
Latrophobia- fear of going to the doctors
Nyctophobia- fear of night or darkness
Ophidiophobia- fear of snakes
Pedophobia- fear of pedophiles
Philophobia- fear of falling in love
Xenophobia- fear of strangers, or foreign things
Xylophobia- fear of forests
Fructophobia- fear of all or certain fruits

Stepfather

Shake against thy shadow to be poisoned
I will shake no more from thee
For I have dug up all the roots
Connecting you and me.

You are the worlds’ distempered guest
When the tree began to bud, I daily made my desperate plea
That you avert your gaze away
I will shake no more from thee.

I severed all the veins inside
Although no blood was shared or spilled
You only know of hate and yet
I somehow loved you still.

Your eyes are scissors
Your touch- inflammatory disease
From my soul the fear has drained
I will shake no more from thee.

-Jesse Haydn

1/30/14 (4:15 PM)

The winter afternoon shadows fall
eerily this time of day
I muttered to myself
something dark and un-precocious
What then would there be
to write about?
I am not gifted with the art
of making others laugh-
neither with much of
an imagination
and I made myself laugh
and I took myself a concept:
No one was going to tell me
I shouldn’t stay such a tragedy
although I have been scared
once or twice that I am a talented poet
so what’s the difference?
I could have been
working on my process the whole time
instead of searching for the saddest word
to end a poem.
Predisposed.

-Jesse Haydn

Inpatient at Shepard Pratt Schizophrenic Rant

11/14/13 Day 1

Written while waiting on admission:

So I’m in this atrium like a cul-de-sac but it’s hospital
rooms instead of houses and James lives in #3 on the
end and he has CP or something he walks bowlegged and screams
and yells instead of talking and he laughs at his own jokes and
I wish I could understand what he’s trying to say cause
I need a good laugh right now because its been a while
and Nurse Jackie apologizes because he keeps coming over to
look behind my curtain and he scared me at first but
I smiled at him and he woulda smiled back
if he could and then I started to understand some of
the things he was saying and at 6 o’clock he reminds her
it’s dinnertime and at 6:30 he wants ice cream
but he didn’t eat all his green beans and it
makes me smile and my life is fucking falling apart
because I’m about to be admitted to a mental hospital
and for a minute- all I can think about is
that weird fucking clock on the wall that’s taunting me because
the numbers are turned sideways along the edge of the circle and
@4 and 10 the numbers flip and I notice that dude in
room #2 kinda looks like my favorite ex and
in that moment while waiting to be admitted to a mental hospital
all I can think about is fucking that dude in room #2-
and the obviously insane fucking person
that would make such a God-forsaken fucking clock.

-Jesse Haydn

Shadow People

12/27/2013

When the sun resigns to slumber
we will meet again
gathering as a Sunday morning funeral.
Start a journey of old spirits-
falling heads.

Gliding against the walls and ceiling
as they vacillate between the
3rd and 4th dimensions-
I see reverberations.

Last night the chamber was full-
barely enough room for me and
someone knocked on the door this time.

A lonely heart arrived too late
both hands press the window in pain
eyes straining to behold
a work of God behind cold mirrors
before dissolving in harrowing deliquescence-
as if I could save the human soul.

-Jesse Haydn

Readings from Philosophy, Acrostically

Extracted from Readings in Philosophy

Euthyphro
By Plato

Resorting to a weighing machine
Euthyphro! How little does the common herd know by the nature of right and truth.
An action before the king as I am-
Deny the existence of old ones; this is the ground of his indictment.
I suppose; it is true, the
Notion of which piety is only a part.
Gods fought with one another, had dire quarrels, battles and the like, as the poets say, a
System of values compose a hierarchy arranged to higher and lower.

I remark with surprise that you have not answered what I have asked-
Now, if piety is a part of justice, I suppose that we inquire each part.

Piety is a science of asking and giving?
Hatreds and differences- was that also said?
I believe, Socrates, that all the gods would be agreed as to the propriety in of punishing a murderer
Loved as being holy
Of some result-
System of values-
Of ministration or service, tending to the attainment of some object.
Piety is learning how to please the gods in word and deed, by prayers and sacrifices
Heavy and light
Yet you must obey them.

Consciousness, Poetically

Extracted from “Consciousness”
Gilbert Ryle

I was conscious that the furniture had been rearranged
to indicate a certain nebulousness and consequent inarticulateness of the apprehension.
What we are conscious of, in this sense, may be a physical fact or
a fact about someone else’s state of mind
but in a certain way we will not recognize them.

A walker engaged in a heated dispute may be unconscious of the sensations of his blistered heel.

He can make mistakes about their causes and he can make mistakes about their locations;
whether they are real or fancied.
The contents of this ghastly world could not be ascertained without the help of sense perception.

The mind can ‘see’ or ‘look at its own operations in the ‘light’ given off by themselves.

I should be recalling that I had just been recalling that I had just been recalling
that my watch has stopped.
I am synchronously discovering my watch has stopped that I am discovering
that my watch has stopped.

A truth about myself is flashed or shone upon me at the same moment
as a truth about my watch is ascertained by me.