Malversation with Ryan C.

He said he saw

Satan and Jesus Christ-

I was too panic-stricken

to ask how he expected

this all would end.

I was too horrified

of his answer:

 

There are secrets

they wish to keep from

the general population

I am not who I seem to be

This is too much responsibility 

for one person to bear

 

It never leaves me

I am already in Purgatory

My moribund soul

is of the utmost inconsequence

 

Our natural form belies us

like clothing

at this very moment

there are vultures

picking at my bones.

 

His eyes

preoccupied

by some other world

returned to mine

welled with tears.

 

-Jesse Haydn

Superhero Science

“Superhero science has taught me this: Entire universes can fit comfortably inside our skulls. Not just one or two but endless universes can be packed into that dark, wet, and bony hollow without breaking it open from the inside.”
-Grant Morrison

 

I worry I’ll fall from this ephemeral heaven

or they’ll check my ticket stub and apologize

for sending me to the to the wrong floor.

It’s law after all that nothing beautiful is forever-

there’s physics in the way

and entropy.

Everything gives way to chaos and decays

into radioactivity and carcinogens and nothing eventually.

It’s improbable,

but not impossible for the randomness

to correct itself back to order-

to repair or escape cataclysmic divarication

although the odds do not look good.

It’s aleatory and morbid.

It’s faith and transcendence and

it’s villainous science.

I want to live

every day and not let go of your hand and

I want to die every day and not let go of your hand and let love

and misery and endless years break us down; pull our platelets apart

one by one and reduce us to halves

again and again,

(When does a half-life end?)

dissolve us

back into stellar clouds, planets, and stardust we’re made of.

Relativity will save us or

a black hole will swallow us; either way

we are conserved

as the universe expands at accelerated rates

the vast emptiness of space and forces of omnipotence

will not break this bond

although angels and astronauts say otherwise.

We will be jewels or we will be dark matter or we will be

molecules with atomic orbitals made of carbyne.

We will fuse together into unbreakable elements

that no one has ever heard of-

redshifted and frozen in the clutches of the event horizon;

or scattered everywhere and nowhere, forever

across the dark blanket of spacetime.

 

-Jesse Haydn

 

I Still Fear

I cannot eat blackberries; all I taste is the thorns

from the roadside ditch you drove us to where

the black snake slithered over my foot I cried and you laughed and I was 8.

You ate a berry and it dripped red from the corner of your mouth and I thought

you looked like a disgusting, bloated vampire and I was the last meal on Earth.

Even in daytime, the woods are terrifying.

Once on a walk, I saw a fallen log and I felt

a spiritual attachment;

something awful happened here.

I hyperventilated the rest of the way.

Even when I’m at home, alone

I lock the bathroom door when I take a shower and

I cannot talk about the other things.

I still cannot say the special words only girls say- like

panties.

I deliberated for hours to type it and I am nauseous now and I want to delete it.

I have complexes, too.

Stage fright; I don’t sing for most people even though I know I’m not half bad

since 9 years old, practicing for the contest I won first in county third in state;

you said not to quit my day job.

And word-count my secrets. Have this narcissism complex.

Didn’t win first in state but still proud.

That day, you read my journal to me out loud;

you said there were too many I (s).

You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you, don’t you?

You sang taunts for days and days.

 

Agoraphobia- fear of places or situations that make you feel trapped, helpless, or embarrassed

Teutophobia- fear of the German language or culture

Logophobia- fear of certain words

Monophobia- fear of being alone

Latrophobia- fear of going to the doctors

Nyctophobia- fear of night or darkness

Ophidiophobia- fear of snakes

Pedophobia- fear of pedophiles

Philophobia- fear of falling in love

Xenophobia- fear of strangers, or foreign things

Xylophobia- fear of forests

Fructophobia- fear of all or certain fruits

 

-Jesse Haydn

The Heroin Holocaust

The heartbreaking stories of children, inspired and introspective

who survived his distinctive style of bleak realism- himself described

his work as abstract; today,

some people still deny the Holocaust.

Forgotten victims alive through the memories of the play,

with stunning realism

she transforms herself into each trauma.

Painstaking details convey men more than a faithfully haunting memory

of picking a daisy and by that act, starting a war.

Silent witnesses reveal horrible truths

of the human spirit, their private horror ignored.

They were alive-

(that’s all that matters)

most of the time you are explaining or trying to explain

whatever becomes the person that puts it all together.

How could they help you?

When one in three people know someone who is

affected by heroin the recommendations evoke

the stark powerful struggle and loneliness. My heart drops.

When a piece can trigger such traumatic

childhood experiences late one night,

now and still missing pieces;

time-

it just stops.

 

-Jesse Haydn

 

Happy Hour

I am the line between both conversations

struggling

to grasp

the words

right

out of their mouths as they are

spoken, like diving to reach

the bottom of the deep end

I can never reach

with both hands before

g

n

i

t

a

o

l

f

back to the surface so

I exhale and

d

e

c

e

n

d

until my wandering weightless mind

is abducted again, and again

I am consumed.

When I open my mouth I

can read their thoughts.

I am alien and instantly inadequated.

I don’t speak often. I can’t connect the dots.

I am the line between both conversations.

-Jesse Haydn

 

Please Never Let Someone Find This…

My tears fall all so silently.

My smile hides how I feel. No one can comprehend

how I feel.

No one.

I’m affected easily. Everything gets to me…

they never leave my mind. Not for

a moment and when they do

come back at the worst times.

I wonder if I can stand the pain…

to abuse myself? I put myself down

thinking it will help…make my weight change, my face

change to clear, more confidence that will never come.

I am selfish and I want to change.

I’m easily tortured by small things. People put me

down; make me feel worse…things said at wrong times…

make me feel depressed…this never ceases to change. My life

can’t change unless I let it and I want it to…but I’m scared

of change. Never will it change and never

will it make a difference.

 

-Anonymous

All Hallows Summer

If you leave me, all I can think

is that I am cracked. You are a werewolf

seeking blood. You howl with magic

from the moon.

 

If you leave me, I think of hatred. You are a ghost

now, in the hallway. Why don’t you hide

from my human form? I know better than my words;

they must be beautiful forever.

 

If you leave me, all I want

is comprehension. Questioning how

many times I can drown in the same ocean-

beating my head against the wall.

 

-Jesse Haydn

 

 

Nervous Energy

When the sun resigns to slumber

we congregate, like a Sunday morning

funeral procession of downcast spirits-

heads hung low. As these beings glide

against the walls and laws of nature

somewhere between the 2nd and 11th

dimensions –

I see reverberations.

Someone’s locked the door.

Two hands cling to the window in anguish

as my eyes strain to behold this work

of God behind a pane of frosted glass

for eternity or a minute before dissolving

in slow deliquescence-

until alone again, I will remain.

 

I am the only shattered thing.

 

-Jesse Haydn

The Origins of Energy in Chymical Reactions Using Experimental Quantum Chemistry; Semi-Poetically

It is not the heaviest most volatile elements

of life which are immutable, we are made

of filaments and wavicles of rippling light

still on it’s way to even the darkest corners

(and originated of) slightly fractured symmetry

of complexity versus fundamental universal law-

ddeceit lies in consistency, the unchangeable yet

some believe to own such inconceivable currents

and formulas necessary to overpower, to

manipulate a constant and consistently has

power over none. There is still intrinsic valor

in lost battles fighting for a change that never

comes yet no honor can be borne from a

kami-quazi mission against the democracy of

entropic laws once the time for change and

rearranging knows the time for it has come, as

above so below, it’s only nature that from

the stardust of which we are created, we will return

what we borrowed and again one day become. The

thought is implausible that mere mortals could keep

carbon from falling apart from itself for very long

and all the while, writing this, keeping inside myself

the feeling of falling apart, chaos and cancerous burden, understanding

the subatomic breakdown of cyclical life and death, that

such an order was so carefully designed, has now taken a mind

of its own, and is spreading and breaking and solidifying in-

finite pieces and fractals transmute into factions of peace. The

big secret of Alchemy is that it is real science that allows a macro-

microscopic degree of ambiguity between the illogical and

ill-logic, I couldn’t tell you yet which one I found but the fact remains

I have the habit now of turning words from which I am lead

to believe I know, has at least an Adam of truth- adding unnatural

amounts of electrons and accelerations; yes it has been done but

one must consider the cost of such magikal physics and worth or lack of

worthlessness is now priceless and burdened, quite literally drug down

to deeper levels it does not fully understand Newtonian physics and logic yet

the highest elementals can be brought down below and so there is no

going back down or up from where you have been extracted, refined, renamed and

abandoned, nowhere will ever be quite home to these elementals

again they will cry and shout We’ve done it again my Friends! Success!

Success! and toss away the hollow thing that has been transmuted, dis-

figured, infused with gold and yet despite collective years of ancient wisdom simply

could not restore the empty whole it once was, it is simple math and

common sense that something cannot be made from nothingness and

to this day ever worthless it remains though slightly heavier or more hollow

than before it knew of higher math to calculate the difference between

an elegant ending and perfect symmetry; of itself and what it will never be.

 

Jesse Haydn

 

“The fact that there are unsolved problems
in math keeps it a living subject” he said.

 

I cannot live with that.